Tranquillity
My house is full of teenagers. Chatty, giggly, restless teenagers, piling dirty dishes up in my living room. When did I become the coolest Mom?
Sunday, one of my daughter's friends, an exchange student from Germany, asked me if she could spend the night, and if I would make her an apfelkuchen. "Uhh...sure," I said. The next day she asked if she could stay the rest of the week. I guess my daughter said something to her, because the plans seem to have changed. She did come back today and had three big slices of kuchen, though. Something tells me that when she gets back to the Fatherland, the menu will be heavy on the saurkraut for a while.
That kid has packed on quite a few lb.s since she's been here.
Anyway.
A couple of Sundays ago, I drove 6 hours to visit a friend. She is a professional make up artist, who works on crews for television, movies, photographic shoots. My younger daughter expressed an interest in that career, so we took the drive and spent the day. This is the thing; the whole time we were there, this lovely woman, who is about my age, was jumping up and down, fussing with her kids, a 6 year old boy, and a 4 year old girl. She pulled out every toy, she chased them around trying to get them to eat, she asked every 15 minutes if they wanted something. Meanwhile, the little boy was like the Demon Seed, just the most obnoxious tyrant you can imagine.
Meanwhile, my friend is asking my advice about how do I get my kids to observe a bedtime, how do I get them to eat, etc. She tells me she has arrythymias. Her heart is actually damaged from all the nervous exhaustion. What the heck?
My question is this; why doesn't her husband put some pants on and take charge of that family? Nobody in that house wants to have a confrontation, or deal with complaints, so as a result, the kids are bullies of the first degree. I mean, I get that the mother is overwhelmed and desperately trying to meet her children's every potential need, but as a result she is punishing her husband, her mother and in particular her guests. Surely this is a little crazy. I get that her husband doesn't want a screaming child AND a screaming wife on his hands, but at some point, like maybe the point where actual heart damage is being done, I think you have to just enter the dragon. I mean, put the kid to bed, eventually all the weeping and wailing will die down, and everyone will get some sleep.
Anyway, I feel sorry for all of them. And I know it's hard.
During the long drive back I reflected and wondered about the role in the family of so many of my male friends. The best of them are the ones who haven't quit, who are still married to the mother of their children. Yet, in the family they seem to have a sort of shadowy, background position. All the engagement and drama is between the mother and children, the father is just some kind of mother's helper. And his needs are last on the list. I remember my own father saying things like "Leave your mother alone," "Don't talk to your mother in that tone," etc. Coming to the rescue, as it were. He didn't change diapers, but he wouldn't stand by and let her be tormented, or treated like a servant. He was like, oh, I don't know, another adult in the house, with authority and position, and maybe a more objective perspective on the dynamics. He was the relief pitcher, the coach and umpire all rolled into one.
Sunday, one of my daughter's friends, an exchange student from Germany, asked me if she could spend the night, and if I would make her an apfelkuchen. "Uhh...sure," I said. The next day she asked if she could stay the rest of the week. I guess my daughter said something to her, because the plans seem to have changed. She did come back today and had three big slices of kuchen, though. Something tells me that when she gets back to the Fatherland, the menu will be heavy on the saurkraut for a while.
That kid has packed on quite a few lb.s since she's been here.
Anyway.
A couple of Sundays ago, I drove 6 hours to visit a friend. She is a professional make up artist, who works on crews for television, movies, photographic shoots. My younger daughter expressed an interest in that career, so we took the drive and spent the day. This is the thing; the whole time we were there, this lovely woman, who is about my age, was jumping up and down, fussing with her kids, a 6 year old boy, and a 4 year old girl. She pulled out every toy, she chased them around trying to get them to eat, she asked every 15 minutes if they wanted something. Meanwhile, the little boy was like the Demon Seed, just the most obnoxious tyrant you can imagine.
Meanwhile, my friend is asking my advice about how do I get my kids to observe a bedtime, how do I get them to eat, etc. She tells me she has arrythymias. Her heart is actually damaged from all the nervous exhaustion. What the heck?
My question is this; why doesn't her husband put some pants on and take charge of that family? Nobody in that house wants to have a confrontation, or deal with complaints, so as a result, the kids are bullies of the first degree. I mean, I get that the mother is overwhelmed and desperately trying to meet her children's every potential need, but as a result she is punishing her husband, her mother and in particular her guests. Surely this is a little crazy. I get that her husband doesn't want a screaming child AND a screaming wife on his hands, but at some point, like maybe the point where actual heart damage is being done, I think you have to just enter the dragon. I mean, put the kid to bed, eventually all the weeping and wailing will die down, and everyone will get some sleep.
Anyway, I feel sorry for all of them. And I know it's hard.
During the long drive back I reflected and wondered about the role in the family of so many of my male friends. The best of them are the ones who haven't quit, who are still married to the mother of their children. Yet, in the family they seem to have a sort of shadowy, background position. All the engagement and drama is between the mother and children, the father is just some kind of mother's helper. And his needs are last on the list. I remember my own father saying things like "Leave your mother alone," "Don't talk to your mother in that tone," etc. Coming to the rescue, as it were. He didn't change diapers, but he wouldn't stand by and let her be tormented, or treated like a servant. He was like, oh, I don't know, another adult in the house, with authority and position, and maybe a more objective perspective on the dynamics. He was the relief pitcher, the coach and umpire all rolled into one.
posted by zulhai | 8:58 PM
4 Comments:
Actually, the men who do not change dirty diapers, or wade in and parent are merely fathers. They are not dads or papas. They have just sired children. To be a parent one must parent. Parenting involves wading into the screaming masses and doing to dirty work.
ummm... sorry, "leaving the parenting to the mom" is something that gets me in a state of frothing diatribe inducing rantiness.
This mother of a friend of my daughter's just could not understand why her daughter was obese while mine was slim. I'd watch as her daughter pleaded for junk food and the mother handed over a $20 (!).
And at my daughter's last birthday party, held at a swimming pool, when I told the girls that they should swim for half an hour more before getting out to have birthday cake, this girl whipped out her cell phone and called her mother to bring snacks. And she did it!! It was the rudest thing I've ever seen.
And on top of that, the mother more than once seemed truly mystified at the suggestion that she respond to her daughter's entreaties for junk food with a "no." "Well, how do you say no to them?!" she asked me more than once.
Just amazes me.
Nice post. I enjoyed it ;) Sorry, I forgot about Real Dads. I'll have to leave myself a note.
Well, actually, what I meant was that I can relate. I have been around passive parents like that and that makes everyone nervous and ruins their time and that's even when they are visiting others. I assume they’re taking a break at the cost of everyone's displeasure and discomfort! But, I never knew that bring heartache, I mean it really contributes to real heart problems? I still don’t believe that!
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