If Not Now, When?
Here's a thing. I just overheard a conversation wherein a youngish, obviously affluent man was earnestly explaining to another how his "girl"friend wanted children, but he felt he wasn't ready. The use of the word girl in the previous sentence is quite loose, I'm sure, as the speaker had to be in his mid-thirties at least, and he mentioned that she was a year or so older than he.
This is not the first time I've heard this line of thought. The perception seems to be that in exchange for sexual favors, an innocent and decent person will be saddled with an unbearable load of debt and obligation.
OK, that's not entirely wrong.
BUT, it does seem to be such a tiny, reductionist, niggardly way to look at family life. My mental response is always "yeah, I get it. YOU're the baby."
I, myself, waited pretty long before having children because there were THINGS I wanted to get done. Education, some travel, living on my own. Eventually, though I felt ready to move over and give up center stage. Living for and by myself all the time just kind of got...stale. I wanted to come home to a group of people happy to see me, I wanted to share. It seems to me these guys (and there are a lot of them), are all about "what can you do for me" in their relationships. They can't commit. They aren't sure.
-- Bullshit. If you can commit to 5 years of car payments, or a 15 year mortgate, than you can stand up before God and your family and commit to stand by your mate. It's about "I take this woman and we are a family," not "I'm afraid of being inconvenienced if I don't keep my options open."
I hope the unlucky "girl"friend my earnest, young Mr. Sensitive was discussing dumps him on his narcissistic ass and finds a Grown Up some day. If there are any.
Grrr.
This is not the first time I've heard this line of thought. The perception seems to be that in exchange for sexual favors, an innocent and decent person will be saddled with an unbearable load of debt and obligation.
OK, that's not entirely wrong.
BUT, it does seem to be such a tiny, reductionist, niggardly way to look at family life. My mental response is always "yeah, I get it. YOU're the baby."
I, myself, waited pretty long before having children because there were THINGS I wanted to get done. Education, some travel, living on my own. Eventually, though I felt ready to move over and give up center stage. Living for and by myself all the time just kind of got...stale. I wanted to come home to a group of people happy to see me, I wanted to share. It seems to me these guys (and there are a lot of them), are all about "what can you do for me" in their relationships. They can't commit. They aren't sure.
-- Bullshit. If you can commit to 5 years of car payments, or a 15 year mortgate, than you can stand up before God and your family and commit to stand by your mate. It's about "I take this woman and we are a family," not "I'm afraid of being inconvenienced if I don't keep my options open."
I hope the unlucky "girl"friend my earnest, young Mr. Sensitive was discussing dumps him on his narcissistic ass and finds a Grown Up some day. If there are any.
Grrr.
posted by zulhai | 7:06 AM
9 Comments:
My favorite over-privileged mid-thirties man story is about one of SRH's co-workers.
He consistently tells people that American women are "broken" - that's why he can't find one good enough to marry.
Therefore, he's going to go to Russia next year and find a "bride" that's not broken.
Truly. He is.
I hate people.
Broken? As in "broken in?" Like a horse? I wish this guy good luck in finding everything he deserves.
Tell you the truth, I don’t think it has anything to do with commitment or being ready. I tell you my experience. Any time I acted like that, I realized it was because of the girl. Every time I hear a story like that, I’m reminded of my experience and better yet, this book, He’s Just Not That Into You.
Although, I was happy with the sex in the relationship, I guess as you put it, sexual favors, deep in my heart, I knew she wasn’t the right one for me. I was just too comfortable in the relationship and didn’t wan to take it to the next level. Obviously not only I was wasting the poor girl’s time, I was also lying to myself at the time (Thinking I wasn’t ready either.) But I realized later, and I’m glad she pushed me into making a decision, that she wasn’t for me. I just didn’t love her enough and I needed that to be true (I find it hard to explain that.) I realized later, with the right girl, I would be willing to move a mountain, let alone committing to her. If you like you can just google the books title and find all these different sites and references. The writer was the on the Sex & The City’s writers. He did several interviews when his book came out and even got on Oprah’s once. Or here are a few links:
http://dating.about.com/od/justforthegals/qt/HesNotIntoYou.htm
http://www.amazon.com/Hes-Just-That-Into-Understanding/dp/068987474X
http://www.oprah.com/tows/pastshows/200409/tows_past_20040922.jhtml
At last, an honest man!
To be fair, these things are surely more complicated than represented by my crabby little tirade. In fact, I sometimes wonder if arranged marriages are another one of those things that determine the differences between the highly civilized and the barbarians.
What are your thoughts?
Oh dear! That’s a toughie. Don’t take me wrong or what I have to say wrong & I hope I don’t confuse you with my response. I really don’t know. I’m not sure what you mean either. Who’s the civilized and who do you consider barbarian? Do you mean to say, you are in favor if arranged marriages and want my opinion? I think it’s okay and works for some people, but I can’t say it’s categorically a better practice. My first arranged marriage experience I became familiar with was the play, “Fiddler on the Roof”, at my city college, here in US, many years ago. I still remember some of the song, “Match maker match make, make me a match, find me a catch (something like that)…” I hope you don’t assume all of us Iranians have a similar background or we all relate to the same things. “I” grew up in a very secular family and my mother’s side, which we were much closer to than my dad’s, most came from modern backgrounds (most educated abroad) and pretty much westernized, if you want to call it. The keyword here is “most”, not all. So, I don’t have a first hand experience with arranged marriages in my family. Although I learned many years later (after I came here and after I saw “Fiddler on the Roof”) that my aunts husband had forbidden one of my cousins to marry a boy she had been secretly meeting and had fallen in love with. My dad always thought of my aunt’s husband (in Iran that is not an uncle) as a close minded tyrant of a parent. Well, she never married anyone. So her life was pretty much ruined (or who knows what could have happened?) On the other hand, I dated in Iran (which wasn’t a common and open practice, but my family and my circle of friends, as teenagers, always pushed our limits and usually got away with it. Some parents didn’t allow their kids to date, but some did. So, I think half of the people choose their mate and the other half probably followed older traditions and went with arranged marriages. But even then 90 percent perhaps had a say whether they wanted to marry the candidates or not. I think only a small minority (the 10%) ended up in an unjust, wrong, and unhappy matrimony. In conclusion, I guess arranged marriage works for some people but perhaps it’s not for everyone.
Sorry, I totally failed to mention the most important practice in that argument. Which, is the fact that Iranian’s do this a lot, but I guess it’s just as common in all other cultures too. It’s the practice of match making. Family members, relatives, friends and even strangers try to find and recommend matches for eligible (or even ineligible) pairs. At times, the match making, is horribly mismatched and wired but people credit themselves with doing something positive and noble! If people are open to it, then they can meet and start dating or get to know each other. But in not-so-modern families, that first meeting may be a meeting of negotiations and approval for marriage, or just totally a declaration of war!
I've touched a nerve! This will be the subject of my next post. If I can just get...to...it...!
I bet there is a “black hole” in the blogger. I’m sure I left you comment earlier today, but it’s not there! This is what I said earlier: “I guess you like having me around? I bring you blog ideas?” For some reason I can’t remember the exact wordings. And as to touching a nerve, no you didn’t, but it seems that way. If you go back to my earliest comment, I was a little confused as who you were calling barbarians. For some reason, at first, I thought you are being sarcastic. But never mind, I’ll just wait for your next blog. I’m not very reactionary or argumentative. I was just responding to your comments. I think I remembered the Azores story. I wrote it down, but I’m not sure if I want post it. I’m not sure, so, since I don’t have your email, I’ll just post it here as a comment for you.
Azores Islands:
Her name was Delilah. I first met her at my older brother’s wedding in Tehran. She had returned to Tehran from London for the summer to attend her older sister’s wedding to my older brother. It was love at first sight! At least for me and I realized that evening that she was very interested in me too. Ever since that night, we spent every minute of that summer together. I was planning to come to US to attend colleges and she was already in school in the UK. We met here and there and also met secretly as much as we could. I guess her dad was a little old fashioned. At the end of the summer when she left I still had a few months to wait to have all my trip and school plans finalized. We wrote to each other and made plans to be with each other in the US. I finally left Tehran for US. The trip was for 5 days long. I’m skipping some of the details. We stopped one night in Athens, then two nights in England, Azores and then Philadelphia. I took another flight to Los Angeles. I was able to see her and spend a full day with her in London. We stayed up all night talking… To make the story short, we weren’t able to accomplish any of our plans and schemes to end up with each other in U.S. I think it just wasn’t in the cards. After a year or so of long distance letter exchanges we just drifted away and I never saw her again. Last I heard of her she was living in the Bay Area in CA. But it was now many years later and still weren’t in the cards. I always fondly remember her name. My brother’s marriage to her older sister didn’t last very long that was another reason why we lost contact....
I have two questions from you: What degree/major did you go for prior to going back to school for RN. Is Zulhai your real name and/or what does it mean?
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